A Sadness In My Heart

I wrote this almost a year ago. It details the emotions I was having at the time. Nothing is worse than planning for a baby and not being able to care for it while watching other people do you job. Also, seeing all your other mom friends who had babies around the time you did and they are leading normal lives. What I went through was terrible and you literally have no idea about the pain (physical, emotional and mental) unless you have been through it (or something very similar) yourself.

“My baby will be 6 months old at the end of this month. Since my first fall (back in March), I haven’t been able to do much with her until recently (the last 2 weeks or so). I feel like I have missed out on the last 3 months of my baby’s life. During this period, I couldn’t hold her whatsoever. I had to watch others take care of her 100%. I know I keep harping on this over and over, but this is one of the most difficult things I have gone through. I love my baby so much. I never thought it was possible to love anything or anyone as much as I do her. I may just be emotional about this topic because of my current level of hormones (still breastfeeding). I just love her so much and I want her to stay my baby forever.

I was just looking at her newborn pictures and that is what sparked these feelings and emotions for me today. Today, she looks nothing like she did when she was born almost 6 months ago.

In the beginning, it was like one long day that lasted for a month. Wake up, feed the baby, go to sleep, wake up, feed the baby, go to sleep….

During that time, I feel like I wasn’t able to enjoy my newborn. I was in a constant state of trying to figure out if she was hungry or just sleepy or what was going on with her. She was a fussy baby compared to what I knew of my friends’ babies. (I was breastfeeding and having difficulties with that and then the doctor claims she had/has reflux. Mix in having no idea what I was doing.)

Then, from there, I fell and was/am going through my back problems and that has been another 3 months I haven’t been able to be the mother I want to be.

I know I can’t take back the time that has passed. It is probably pointless to even ramble on like I am.

I guess the point of this post is, mommas or daddys, enjoy your babies. Especially if you are healthy and they are healthy. Hold them, play with them, rock them if they want to be rocked. Try not to get frustrated when they are crying.

I have learned patience through this. Before, I would get frustrated when she would cry. Now that I am about 2 months into my fracture healing, I am able to rock her. As of last week, I am able to lay down next to her in bed. For the first time in months I was able to snuggle with my baby. My back pain is still there, but this is a step towards progress that I am able to do it. I was able to hold her close while she slept and it was amazing.

What I would give to be able to have held her while she was upset for the last 3 months. I literally would have to leave the room when she was upset and crying and someone else was trying to comfort her because it hurt me that I could not be the one to comfort her. Now I realize that may be selfish, but there is literally nothing I could have done in those situations during that time to make things better.

My baby likes to be walked around the house. What I would give to be able to hold my baby and walk her around the house. I would do that for hours if my body would let and if that is what she would need to calm her. I would love to take her walk out to the mailbox to check the mail when the weather is nice.

I remember one night before all this happened that I must have walked around the house with her for over an hour to keep her happy. Some may think this is spoiling a baby. My thought is, she will only be a baby once. She is my world and I would do anything to keep her happy. If that is spoiling, then I am guilty and I don’t care. I want to take in and enjoy every second that I can with her. Because one day, I wont be here anymore or she will be too old to want anything to do with me or it wouldn’t be socially acceptable to rock my 30 year-old baby to sleep.

Anyways, that is my random ramble of the day.”

I am about half way into transferring my old blog into this one. I hope there is someone out there who I can help with this series.

Have A Lovely Day!


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